


Escape the Musicals/Songs

by ETNMystic



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Escape the Night (Web Series), Musicals - Fandom
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-04
Updated: 2019-11-19
Packaged: 2020-01-04 20:19:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 7,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18350996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ETNMystic/pseuds/ETNMystic
Summary: Song Parodies Starring the ETN and DR characters. I know someone else did this.





	1. When I Grow Up (Matilda)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DO NOT play this song before your high school or college graduations. You WILL tear up, trust me.

** When I Grow Up: **

**Dooper:** When I grow up  
I will be tall enough to reach the branches  
that I need to reach to climb the trees  
you get to climb when you're grown up.  
  
**Tristen and Aqua:** And when I grow up  
I will be smart enough to answer all  
the questions that you need to know  
the answers to before you're grown up.  
  
**Alice and Erica:** And when I grow up  
I will eat treats every day  
on the way to work and I  
will go to bed late every night!  
  
**Dooper, Alice, Aqua, Tristen, and Erica:** And I will wake up  
when the sun comes up and I  
will watch YouTube until my eyes go square  
and I won't care 'cause I'll be all grown up!

 **All Writers:**  
When I grow up!  
When I grow up, when I grow up  
(When I grow up)  
I will be strong enough to carry all  
the heavy things you have to haul  
around with you when you're a grown-up!  
  
And when I grow up, when I grow up  
(When I grow up)  
I will be brave enough to fight the creatures  
that you have to fight beneath the bed  
each night to be a grown-up!  
  
And when I grow up  
(When I grow up)  
I will have treats every day.  
And I'll play with things that mom pretends  
that moms don't think are fun.  
  
And I will wake up  
when the sun comes up and I  
will spend all day just lying in the sun  
and I won't burn 'cause I'll be all grown-up!  
When I grow up!  
  
**Penelope or Rosanna:** When I grow up,  
I will be brave enough to fight the creatures that you have to fight beneath the bed each night to be a grown-up.  
(When I grow up)

 **Mystic:** Just because you find that life's not fair, it  
doesn't mean that you just have to grin and bear it.  
If you always take it on the chin and wear it  
nothing will change!

 **Penelope or Rosanna:** When I grow up....

 **Mystic:** Just because I find myself in this story,  
It doesn't mean that everything is written for me.  
If I think the ending is fixed already,  
I might as well be saying  
I think that it's OK!  
And that's not right!

 


	2. Revolting Writers (Revolting Children from "Matilda")

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> C'mon, we'd totally do this!

**Revolting Writers:**

_[After MYSTIC chases THE CURSED GOD out, they all cheer]_

**DOOPER:** Woah!  
Never again will he get the best of me!  
Never again will he take away my freedom  
And we won't forget the day we fought

 **ALL:** For the right to be a little bit naughty!  
Never again

 **DOOPER:** Will the possessions slam!

 **ALL:** Never again

 **DOOPER:** Will I be tortured, and

 **ALL:** Never again

 **DOOPER:** Will I doubt it when

 **ALL:** My friends say I'm a good writer!  
(Never again!)  
Never again will we live behind bars!  
Never again now that we know...

 **ALL:** We are revolting writers...  
Living in revolting times...  
We write revolting fics  
Using revolting rhymes  
We'll be revolting writers  
'Til our revolting's done  
And we'll have the Cursed God vaulting  
We're revolting!

** ALL: [shout!] **

**ALL:** We are revolting writers...  
Living in revolting times...  
We write revolting fics  
Using revolting rhymes  
We'll be revolting writers  
'Til our revolting's done  
And we'll have the Cursed God vaulting  
We're revolting!

 **DOOPER:** We will become a screaming horde!

 **TRISTEN:** Take out your keyboard, mates, and use it as a sword!  
  
**LEAH:** Never again will we be ignored!  
  
**VIVE:** We'll find out where the smut is stored  
  
**BRONWYN:** And write crude fanfics on the board!  
  
**ALICE:** It's not insulting!  
  
**ALL:** We're revolting!

 **ERICA and ALICE:** We can S-P-L how we like!  
  
**TRISTEN and VIVE:** If enough of us are wrong, wrong is right!  
  
**LEAH and BRONWYN:** Every word N-O-R-T-Y...  
  
**ALL:** Cause we're a little bit naughty!  
  
**JAS and CINNA:** You say we oughta 'stay inside the line'...  
  
**LUCY and AQUA:** If we disobey at the same time  
  
**GALAXY and GOLDEN:** There is nothing that the Cursed God can do!

 **DOOPER:** He can take his curses and S-H-!

 **ALL:** You didn't think you could push us too far  
But there's no going back now, we...  
R-E-V-O-L-T-I-N

 **DOOPER:** REVOLTING FANS!

 **ALL:** We're S-I-N-G

 **DOOPER:** Oh!  
  
**ALL:** U-S-I-N-G...

 **DOOPER:** Yeah!

 **ALL:** We'll be R-E-V-O-L-T-I-N-G  
It is 2-L-8-4-U  
We are revolting!  
  
**TRISTEN:** Let's GOOOOOO!  
  
**ALL:** We are revolting writers...  
Living in revolting times...  
We write revolting fics  
Using revolting rhymes  
We'll be revolting writers  
'Til our revolting's done  
It is 2-L-8-4-U

 **DOOPER:** (Never again will he get the best of me!)

 **ALL:** We are revolting writers...  
Living in revolting times...  
We write revolting fics  
Using revolting rhymes

 **DOOPER:** Whoa-yeah!

 **ALL:** We'll be revolting writers  
'Til our revolting's done  
  
**DOOPER:** Down-down-down-down!

 **ALL:** It is 2-L-8-4-U  
We are REVOLTING!

 


	3. Do You Hear The Writers Sing? (Do You Hear The People Sing? from "Les Mis.")

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'll probably also do the reprise.

**Do You Hear The Writers Sing?**

**MYSTIC:** Do you hear the writers sing?  
Singing the song of angry fans?  
It is the music of the writers  
Who will not be slaves again!  
When the beating of your heart  
Echoes the beating of the drums  
There is a life about to start  
When tomorrow comes!  
  
 **PENELOPE:** Will you join in our crusade?  
Who will be strong and stand with me?  
Beyond this damn AU  
Is there a world you long to see?  
  
 **MYSTIC and PENELOPE:** Then join in the fight  
That will give you the right to be free!  
  
 **ALL:** Do you hear the writers sing?  
Singing the song of angry fans?  
It is the music of the writers  
Who will not be slaves again!  
When the beating of your heart  
Echoes the beating of the drums  
There is a life about to start  
When tomorrow comes!  
  
 **LEAH:** Will you give all you can give  
So that our fandom may advance?  
  
 **ALICE:** Some will fall and some will live  
Will you stand up and take your chance?  
  
 **ERICA:** The blood of the martyrs  
Will water from here onto France!  
  
 **ALL:** Do you hear the writers sing?  
Singing the song of angry fans?  
It is the music of the writers  
Who will not be slaves again!  
When the beating of your heart  
Echoes the beating of the drums  
There is a life about to start  
When tomorrow comes!


	4. At The End of the Day (Les Mis)

**At The End Of The Day**

**ALL:**  
At the end of the day you're another day older  
And that's all you can say for the life of the poor  
It's a struggle, it's a war  
And there's nothing that anyone's giving  
One more day, standing about, what is it for?  
One day less to be living  
  
At the end of the day you're another day colder  
And the shirt on your back doesn't keep out the chill  
And the righteous hurry past  
They don't hear the small writers crying  
And the winter is coming on fast, ready to kill  
One day nearer to dying  
  
**WOMEN & MEN (overlapping)**  
At the end of the day there's another day dawning  
And the sun in the morning is waiting to rise  
Like the waves crash on the sand  
Like a storm that'll break any second  
There's a hunger in the land  
There's a reckoning still to be reckoned  
And there's gonna be hell to pay  
At the end of the day  
  
**CALVIN:**  
At the end of the day you get nothing for nothing  
Sitting flat on your bum doesn't buy any bread

 **DOOPER:  
** There are stories on our page

**DOOPER & VIVE:**  
And the stories have got to be read

**VIVE:**  
And you're lucky to be in some work  


**ERICA:**  
And in a bed  
  
**DOOPER, VIVE, & ERICA:**  
And we're counting our blessings!

**ALICE:**  
Have you seen how Monsieur Calvin is fuming today?  
With his terrible breath and his wandering hands?  
  
**LEAH:**  
It's because little Dowry won't give him his way  
  
**ERICA:**  
Take a look at his trousers, you'll see where he stands!  


**LEAH:**  
And the boss, he never knows  
That the foreman is always on heat  
  
**ALICE:**  
If Dowry doesn't look out  
Watch how she goes  
  
**ERICA, LEAH, & ALICE:**  
She'll be out on the street  
  
[WOMEN & MEN (overlapping)]  
At the end of the day it's another day over  
With enough in your pocket to last for a week  
Pay the landlord, pay the shop  
Keep on grafting as long as you're able  
Keep on grafting till you drop  
Or it's back to the crumbs on the table  
You've got to pay your way  
At the end of the day!  
  
**ERICA**  
Now what have we here, not-so-innocent sister?  
Oh Penelope, let's have all the news!  
"Penelope, you must send us more money  
Your child needs a doctor  
There's no time to lose"

 **PENELOPE:**  
Give that letter to me  
It is none of your business  
With a husband at home  
And a bit on the side.  
Is there anyone here  
Who can swear before God?  
She has nothing to fear?  
She has nothing to hide?

 **ARTHUR:**  
What is this fighting all about?  
Will someone tear these two apart?  
What is this fighting all about?  
This is a factory, not a circus  
Now come on ladies, settle down  
I run a business of repute  
I am the Mayor of this town  
[turns to CALVIN]  
I'll look to you to sort this out  
And be as patient as you can.  
  
**CALVIN:**  
Now someone say how this began  
  
**ERICA:**  
At the end of the day she's the one who began it  _[points to PENELOPE]_  
There's a kid that she's hiding in some little town  
There's a man she has to pay  
You can guess how she picks up the extra  
You can bet she's earning her keep sleeping around  
And the boss wouldn't like it

 **PENELOPE:**  
_[sighs]_ Yes, it's true there's a child and the child's like my daughter  
And the father abandoned us, leaving us flat  
Now she lives with an innkeeper man and his wife  
And I pay for the girl  
What's the matter with that?  
  
**[WOMEN (overlapping)]**  
At the end of the day she'll be nothing but trouble  
And there's trouble for all when there's trouble for one  
While we're earning our daily bread  
She's the one with her hands in the butter  
You must send the slut away  
Or we're all gonna end in the gutter  
And it's us who'll have to pay  
At the end of the day  
  
**CALVIN:**  
I might have known the bitch could bite  
I might have known the cat had claws  
I might have guessed your little secret  
Ah, yes, the chaste Penelope  
Who keeps herself so pure and clean  
You'd be the cause I had no doubt  
Of any trouble hereabout  
You play a virgin in the light  
But need no urgin' in the night

 _[PENELOPE slaps him in fury]_  
  
**ERICA:**  
She's been laughing at you  
While she's having her men.  
  
**ALL FEMALES:**  
She'll be nothing but trouble again and again  
  
**ERICA:**  
You must sack her today  
  
**ALL FEMALES:**  
Sack the girl today  
  
**CALVIN:**  
_[spoken as he grabs PENELOPE]_ Right, my girl. On your way!


	5. Masquerade/Why So Silent? (from "Phantom of the Opera.")

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aka a deleted scene from "An Eternal Opera."

**Masquerade/Why So Silent?:**

 

**DOOPER:  
**Dear Agent, what a splendid party

**VIVE:  
**The prelude to a bright new year

**DOOPER:  
**Quite a night, I'm impressed

**VIVE:  
**Well, one does one's best

**BOTH:**  
Here's to us.

**DOOPER:**  
The toast for the city

**VIVE:**  
What a pity that the phantom can't be here

_[The gauze lifts fully to reveal the staircase of the opera house. The opera ball begins. Among the GUESTS are four carrying strange percussion instruments: a monkey with cymbals, a toy soldier with a drum, a triangle, bells. Together they play weirdly throughout.]_

  
**ALL:**  
Masquerade!  
Paper faces on parade  
Masquerade!  
Hide your face, so the world will never find you!  
  
Masquerade!  
Every face a different shade  
Masquerade!  
Look around—there's another mask behind you!  
  
**ALICE, MANNY, TRISTEN, AND TYLER:**  
Flash of mauve...  
Splash of puce...  
Fool and king...  
Ghoul and goose...

 **PENELOPE, ERICA, JOEY, AND OLI:**  
Green and black...  
Queen and priest...  
Trace of rouge...  
Face of beast...

 **ALL:**  
Faces...  
Take your turn, take a ride  
On the merry-go-round in an inhuman race

 **SHANE:  
** (Eye of gold)  
Thigh of blue...

**GLOZELL:  
** True is false...  
Who is who...?

**MATT H.:  
** Curl of lip...  
Swirl of gown...

**ROSANNA, SAFIYA, & MATPAT:  
**Ace of hearts...  
Face of clown...

**ALL:  
** Faces...  
Drink it in, drink it up  
Till you've drowned  
In the light, in the sound...

**ANDREA R./MYSTIC:**  
But who can name the face?

**ALL:**  
Masquerade!  
Grinning yellows  
Spinning reds...  
Masquerade!  
Take your fill—let the spectacle astound you!

Masquerade!  
Burning glances  
Turning heads...  
Masquerade!  
Stop and stare at the sea of smiles around you!

Masquerade!  
Seething shadows, breathing lies...  
Masquerade!  
You can fool any friend who ever knew you!

Masquerade!  
Leering satyrs, peering eyes...  
Masquerade!  
Run and hide—but a face will still pursue you!

_[The ENSEMBLE activity becomes background, as DOOPER, VIVE, ADELINE, MME. MONTCLAUDE, JEAN-CLAUDE and MANON come to the fore, glasses in hand]_  
  
**MME. MONTCLAUDE:**  
What a night  
  
**ADELINE:**  
What a crowd  
  
**DOOPER:**  
Makes you glad  
  
**VIVE**  
Makes you proud  
All the crême de la crême

**MANON:**  
Watching us  
And watching them! |  **ADELINE/MME. MONTCLAUDE:**  
And all our fears are in the past!  
---|---  
  
**DOOPER:**  
Six months

**JEAN-CLAUDE:**  
Of relief  
  
**MANON:**  
Of delight  
  
**DOOPER & VIVE:**  
Of Elysian peace

**ADELINE/MME. MONTCLAUDE:**  
And we can breathe  
at last! |    
**MANON:**  
No more notes!  
---|---  
  
**JEAN-CLAUDE:**  
No more ghost  
  
**MME. MONTCLAUDE:**  
Here's a health  
  
**DOOPER:**  
Here's a toast  
To a prosperous year  
  
**VIVE:**  
To the new chandelier

**JEAN-CLAUDE/MANON:**  
And may our  
splendour  
never fade! |    
**VIVE:**  
Six months! |    
  
**MME. MONTCLAUDE:**  
What a joy!  
---|---|---  
  
**ADELINE:**  
What a change  
  
**VIVE & DOOPER:**  
What a blessed release  
  
**DOOPER**  
And what a masquerade!  
  
_[They clink glasses and move off. ANDREA R. and MYSTIC emerge. She is admiring a new acquisition: an engagement ring from ANDREA R., which she has attached to a gold chain around her neck]_  
  
**MYSTIC:**  
Think of it, a secret engagement  
Look—your future bride  
Just think of it  
  
**ANDREA R.:**  
But why is secret? What have we to hide?

**MYSTIC:**  
Please let's not fight  
  
Wait till the time is right  
  
  
  
Let's not argue  
Please pretend  
You will understand in time |  **ANDREA R.:**  
  
Mystic, you're free  
  
When will that be?  
It is a engagement, not a crime  
Mystic, what are you afraid of?  
Let's not argue  
I can only hope  
I'll understand in time  
---|---  
  
   
_[Instrumental interlude]_  
  
**ALL:**  
Masquerade!  
Paper faces on parade  
Masquerade!  
Hide your face, so the world will never find you  
  
Masquerade!  
Every face a different shade  
Masquerade!  
Look around—there's another mask behind you  
  
Masquerade!  
Burning glances, turning heads  
Masquerade!  
Stop and stare at the sea of smiles around you  
  
Masquerade!  
Grinning yellows, spinning reds  
Masquerade!  
Take your fill—let the spectacle astound you

_[At the height of the activity a grotesque figure suddenly appears at the top of the staircase._ _Dressed_ _all in crimson, with a death's head visible inside the hood of his robe, the Phantom, GAUTIER DESCÔUTEAUX, has come to the party._ _With dreadful wooden steps he descends the stairs and takes the centre of the stage]_  
  
**DESCÔUTEAUX:**  
Why so silent, good Messieurs?  
Did you think that I had left you for good?  
Have you missed me, good Messieurs?  
I have written you ~~a fanfic~~  an opera.  
  
_[He takes from under his robe an enormous bound manuscript]_  
  
Here I bring the finished score  
*Don Juan Triumphant*!  
I advise you to comply  
My instructions should be clear  
Remember there are worse things than a shattered chandelier  
  
_[To MYSTIC]_  
  
Your chains are still mine  
You will sing for me!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *yeets self from opera house.*


	6. Seize the Day (Newsies)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My university's doing this musical, so why not?

**Seize the Day:**

Alice:  
Now is the time to seize the day  
Stare down the odds and seize the day  
Minute by minute that's how you win it  
We will find a way  
But let us seize the day  
  
Aqua:  
Courage cannot erase our fear  
Courage is when we face our fear  
Tell those with power safe in their tower  
We will not obey!  
  
Dooper & Mystic:  
Behold the brave battalion that stands side by side  
Too few in number and too proud to hide  
Then say to the others who did not follow through  
You're still our family, and we will fight for you  
  
Alice, Mystic, Aqua, & Dooper:  
Now is the time to seize the day  
Stare down the odds and seize the day

Writers:  
Once we've begun  
If we stand as one  
Someday becomes somehow  
And a prayer becomes a vow

Mystic:  
And the fight starts right damn now!

 _[WRITERS cheer.]_  
  
Alice:  
Now is the time to seize the day  
  
Writers:  
Now is the time to seize the day  
  
Alice:  
Answer the call and don't delay  
  
Writers:  
Answer the call and don't delay  
  
Alice & Writers:  
Wrongs will be righted  
If we're united  
Let us seize the day  
  
Mystic:  
Now let 'em hear it loud and clear  
  
Writers:  
Now let 'em hear it loud and clear  

Mystic:  
Like it or not we're drawing near

Writers:  
Like it or not we're drawing near  
  
Mystic & Writers:  
Proud and defiant  
We'll slay the giant  
Judgment day is here!

All Writers:  
L.A. to Everlock, look what's begun  
One for all and all for one!  
Write! Write! Write! Write! Write! Write! Write! Write! Write! Write!  
Oh! Write!

Various Writers:  
  
All right Mystic!  
  
Come on, Aqua!  
  
_(Long-Ass Instrumental)_  
  
Hi  
  
(Hi)  
  
What’s she doing?

Ohhhh

You see that Mr. Cursed God!  
  
Ohhh!  
  
(Instrumental)

All Writers:  
Now is the time to seize the day  
They're gonna see there's hell to pay  
Nothing can break us  
No one can make us quit before we're done  
One for all and all for  
One for all and all for  
One for all and all for one!


	8. Ever Lock Tango (Cell Block Tango)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cast (in order of appearance):  
> Liz: Penelope Dowry  
> Annie: Safiya Nygaard  
> June: Nikita Dragun  
> Hunyak: Rosanna Pansino  
> Velma Kelly: ETNMystic  
> Mona: NervousAliceCurious  
> Announcer: The Carnival Master  
> Roxie Hart: Sierra Furtado

** Ever Lock Tango: **

 

 **Penelope:** Pop!

 **Safiya:** Sixth!

 **Nikita:** Wigs.

 **Rosanna:** Uh-uh!

 **Mystic:** Innocence.

 **Alice:** Flora!

 **Carnival Master:**  
And now the six merry murderesses of the Everlock County Jail.  
In their rendition of 'The Ever Lock Tango'

 **Penelope:** Pop!

 **Safiya:** Sixth!

 **Nikita:** Wigs.

 **Rosanna:** Uh-uh!

 **Mystic:** Innocence.

 **Alice:** Flora!

 **Penelope:** Pop!

 **Safiya:** Sixth!

 **Nikita:** Wigs.

 **Rosanna:** Uh-uh!

 **Mystic:** Innocence.

 **Alice:** Flora!

 **Penelope:** Pop!

 **Safiya:** Sixth!

 **Nikita:** Wigs.

 **Rosanna:** Uh-uh!

 **Mystic:** Innocence.

 **Alice:** Flora!

 **Penelope:** Pop!

 **Safiya:** Sixth!

 **Nikita:** Wigs.

 **Rosanna:** Uh-uh!

 **Mystic:** Innocence.

 **Alice:** Flora!

 **All:** He had it coming, he had it coming  
He only had himself to blame  
If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it

 **Mystic:** I betcha you would have done the same!

 **Penelope:** Pop!

 **Safiya:** Sixth!

 **Nikita:** Wigs.

 **Rosanna:** Uh-uh!

 **Mystic:** Innocence.

 **Alice:** Flora!

 **Penelope:** Pop!

 **Safiya:** Sixth!

 **Nikita:** Wigs.

 **Rosanna:** Uh-uh!

 **Mystic:** Innocence.

 **Alice:** Flora!

 **All, but Penelope, quietly in the back [several times]:**  
He had it coming, he had it coming  
He only had himself to blame  
If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it  
I betcha you would have done the same.

 **Penelope:**  [spoken]  
You know how demons have these little habits that get you down?   
Like Candy.   
Candy like to drink beer; no, not drink, Pop.  
So I came home this one day, and I'm really irritated,  
and I'm looking for a little peace and quiet,  
and there's Candy, lying on the couch, holding a beer and drinking:  
no, not drinking, popping.  
So, I said to him, I said  
"If you pop that beer one more time....." [sigh]  
And he did.  
So I took the shotgun off the wall  
And I fired two warning shots......  
into. his. head.

 **All:**  
He had it comin', he had it comin'.  
He only had himself to blame  
If you'd have been there, if you'd have heard it,  
I betcha you would have done the same.

 **All, but Safiya, quietly in the background [several times]:**  
He had it coming, he had it coming  
He only had himself to blame  
If you'd have been there, if you'd have heard it  
I betcha you would have done the same.

 **Safiya:** [spoken] I met Willie the Insurance Guy from Everlock, California about two years ago.  
And he told me he was innocent,  
and we hit it off right away.  
So, we started livin' together.  
He'd go to the funhouse, he'd come home,  
I'd fix him a drink, we'd have dinner.  
And then I found out.  
"Innocent," he told me.  
Innocent, my ass!  
Not only was he guilty, oh no,  
I was s'pose to be his sixth victim.  
One of those serial killers, you know.  
So that night, when he came home from his funhouse  
I fixed him his drink, as usual.  
You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic

 **All Six:**  
He had it coming, he had it coming  
He took a flower in its prime  
And then he used it and he abused it  
It was a murder but not a crime.

 **Others, several times:** Pop! Sixth! Wigs! Uh-uh! Innocence! Flora!

 **All, but Nikita, quietly in the background [several times]:  
**Pop! Sixth! Wigs! Uh-uh! Innocence! Flora!  
  
**Nikita:**  [spoken]Now, I'm standing in the bedroom.  
Cuttin' up my wigs for photo shoots  
Mindin' my own business.  
In storms my husband Mortimer in a jealous rage  
"You been screwin' the No-Name," he says.  
He was crazy and he kept on screamin'  
"You been screwin the No-Name."  
And then he ran into my blades.  
He ran into my blades ten times.

 **All:**  
If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it  
I betcha you would have done the same

 **Rosanna, worried:**  
What am I doing here?  
They said the demon cop pushed my brother Matpat  
and I bludgeoned his head.  
But that's not true.  
I'm innocent!  
I don't know why Veronica said I did it.  
I tried to tell the police, but they didn't believe me!  
  
**Sierra:  
**Yeah, but did you do it?

 **Rosanna:  
**Uh uh, not guilty!

 **All, but Mystic, slowly, several times:**  
He had it comin', he had it comin'.  
He only had himself to blame  
If you'd have been there, if you'd have heard it,  
I betcha you would have done the same.  
  
**Mystic:** [spoken] My partner, Lilith, and I had this double act  
And this Cursed God ended up following with us.  
Now for the last number in our act,  
We did these 20 magic tricks in a row.  
One, two, three, four, five, fire, pigeons,  
Rabbits, mermaids, one right after the other.  
So, this one night after the show, we're down at the Hotel Cicero  
The two of them laughin' and cooin' 'bout my innocence.  
And we ran out of ice for our water,  
So I go out to get some.  
I come back, open the door  
And there's the Cursed God and Lilith  
Plottin' against me: a takeover!

**_BOOM!_ **

**Mystic:** Well, I was in such a state of shock,  
I completely blacked out;  
I can't remember a thing.  
It wasn't until later  
when I was washin' the blood off my hands  
I even knew they were dead.

 **Mystic:** [sung] They had it comin,'

 **Others:** They had it comin,'

 **Mystic:**  They had it comin,'

 **Others:** They had it comin,'

 **Mystic:** They had it comin' all along.

 **Others:** They had it comin' all along.  
  
**Mystic:** I didn't do it!

 **Others:** She didn't do it!

 **Mystic:** But if I'd done it,

 **Others:** But if she'd done it.  
  
**Mystic:** How could you tell me that I was wrong?

 **Mystic:** They had it comin,'

 **Others:** They had it comin,'

 **Mystic:**  They had it comin'!

 **Others:** They had it comin,'

 **Mystic:** They had it comin' all along.

 **Others:** They took a flower in its prime.  
  
**Mystic:** I didn't do it!

 **Others:** And then they used it!

 **Mystic:** But if I'd done it,  
  
**Mystic:** How could you tell me that I was wrong?

 **Alice:** I loved Envy Flora more than I could possibly say!  
He was a real floristic guy, sensitive, a plant boy.  
But he was always trying to find himself.  
He go out every night looking for himself  
And on the way, he found Kerrie, Manon, Circe, and Calvin.  
I guess you can say we broke up because of floristic differences.  
He saw himself alive,  
and I saw him dead!

 **All:**  
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum  
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum  
  
They had it comin', they had it comin'  
They had it comin' all along  
'Cause if they used us and they abused us  
How could they tell us that we were wrong?  
  
He had it comin', he had it comin'  
He only had himself to blame.  
If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it,  
I betcha you would have done the same!

[All spoken]  
**Penelope:** You pop that beer one more time.  
**Safiya:** Innocent, my ass.  
**Nikita:** Ten times.  
**Rosanna:** I don't know why Veronica said I did it.   
**Mystic:** Plottin' against me: a takeover!  
**Alice:** Floristic differences.

 **Penelope:** Pop!

 **Safiya:** Sixth!

 **Nikita:** Wigs.

 **Rosanna:** Uh-uh!

 **Mystic:** Innocence.

 **Alice:** Flora!

[cell door closes loudly]


	9. The Crayon Song Gets Ruined By Stella

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Intro Dude-Some random voice from somewhere.  
> Red-Tea  
> Black-Stella  
> Orange-Lucy  
> Yellow-Alice  
> Green-Chala  
> Blue-Sam  
> Purple-Birdy  
> Brown-Dede  
> White-Mystic  
> Last Crayon-Cinna
> 
> (CW: Mentions of throwing up, tasing.)

**The Crayon Song Gets Ruined By Stella**

  
Random Disembodied Voice: HEY KIDS!  
WELCOME BACK TO THE WONDERFUL SHOW'S IMAGINARY FUN  
LEARNING EMPORIUM-PALOOZA EXTRAVAGANZA HOUR  
FOR KIDS!  
  
  
Tea: HELLO KIDS. I'M THE COLOR RED AND I  
BROUGHT MY FRIENDS TO TEACH YOU ABOUT THEM  
THEY'RE THE COLORS OF ALL THE THINGS  
YOU SEE AND RED IS ME, THE COLOR OF  
AWESOME THINGS LIKE: HEARTS, AND ROSES  
AND MARS  
BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY LOVE  
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE  
  
Stella: (at the same time) BLOOD, BLOOD,BLOOD  
BLOOD, BLOOD  
  
Everyone: HOORAY!  
  
Lucy: HI. I'M ORANGE LIKE  
MAC AND CHEESE. LET'S NAME OTHER ORANGE  
THINGS NOW IF YOU PLEASE. YOU GOT  
PUMPKINS AND TIGERS, AND THE DESERT SAND  
  
Lucy: MONARCH BUTTERFLIES  
  
Stella: (at the same time) PRESCRIPTION BOTTLES  
  
Lucy: ARE YOUR ORANGE FRIENDS  
LA LA LA LA LA LA, CHEESE!  
  
Stella: (at the same time) PILLS!

Everyone: Hooray!

Lucy: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Stella: WHAT I WAS BORN TO DO

Alice: AS YOU CAN PROBABLY GUESS  
YELLOW'S PRETTY FUN!

Stella: (at the same time) JAUNDICE!  
  
Alice: YOU CAN FIND IT ON A BUS  
OR THE RAYS FROM THE SUN!

Stella: (at the same time) JAUNDICE!  
  
Alice: IF YOU ASK ME  
YELLOW'S NUMBER ONE

Stella: (at the same time) LIVER FAILURE  
  
Alice: IF YOU LIKE YELLOW AND SOUR

Stella: (at the same time) JAUNDICE!

Alice: THEN TRY A LEMON  
  
Everyone: JAUNDICE!

Alice: DANG IT!  
  
Chala: I ONCE ATE A BUG THAT WAS THE COLOR GREEN  
BUT THE ER SAID IT WAS A POISONOUS THING  
SO THAT EXPLAINS WHY I THREW UP GREEN AND  
INSIDE THAT GREEN THERE WERE CHUNKS OF GREEN  
I BET YOU WISH YOU HADN'T LISTENED TO GREEN  
  
Everyone: HOORAY!  
  
Sam: WHY DIDN'T YOU CHANGE THAT ONE?  
  
Stella: I LIKE THAT VERSE  
  
Sam: THE OCEAN IS A PLACE WHERE MANY CREATURES LIVE  
  
Stella: (at the same time) NIGHTMARES  
  
Sam: IT'S THE DEEP BLUE SEA  
AND IT'S MYSTERIOUS...  
  
Stella: (at the same time) AND IT'LL KILL YOU TO DEATH  
  
Stella: ESPECIALLY IF  
YOU ARE ON TITANIC. SO LET THAT  
SINK IN. PUN INTENDED  
  
Chala: HOORAY!  
  
Birdy: DON'T BLOW THIS FOR US MAN! COME ON!  
PURPLE IS THE COLOR OF MANY PRETTY  
THINGS FROM A LILAC-  
  
(Stella tases Birdy)  
  
Everyone: *Screams*

Sam: DUDE!  
  
Chala: HOORAY!  
  
Dede: I GUESS IT'S MY TURN  
THERE ARE BROWN THINGS LIKE DIRT  
I, UH... CAN'T REMEMBER THE WORDS  
PLEASE DON'T HURT... ME  
  
(Stella tases Dede)  
  
Everyone: *Screams*  
  
Chala: HOORAY!  
  
Mystic: (trying to take the tazer) WHITE THINGS INCLUDE-  
  
Stella: ALL BROKEN BONES  
  
Mystic: AND DOVES AND PAPER AND-  
  
Stella: AND RABIES' FOAM

Mystic: THERE'S IVORY-  
  
Stella: WORTH A LOT OF MONEY IF YOU  
WANT TO BUY SOME THEN EMAIL  
ME  
  
Chala: HOORAY! HOORAY!  
  
Stella: BLACK IS THE  
COLOR OF EMPTINESS. I FEEL IT IN MY  
SOUL CAUSE I'M AN EMOTIONAL MESS  
  
Birdy: AHHH! AHH! *jumps on Stella*  
TAKE CARE OF THE BODY! SHOVE HER UP A KID'S  
NOSE OR SOMETHING. 

Mystic: BACK TO NORMAL!  
  
Cinna: I'M THE LAST CRAYON  
IN THE BOX YOU SEE AND THE COLOR THAT THEY  
ASSIGNED TO ME IS THIS! *Crayon reads Monochrome.*  
JUST THINK ABOUT THAT  
FOR ONE MOMENT. *mic drop, Birdy tries to console them* GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME  
  
[Outro]  
  
Chala: HELLO KIDS, I'M THE COLOR GREEN  
JUST CLICK THE RED BUTTON TO SUBSCRIBE  
TO ME LIKE THE VIDEO AND COMMENT BELOW  
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR? DO YOUR INSIDES GLOW  
FROM RADIOACTIVE FOOD? I ATE A SHINY ROCK.  
HOORAY!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the crayon song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VH8lvZ-Z1g


	10. The Crayon Song Gets Ruined By Joey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Intro Dude-Some random voice from somewhere.  
> Red-Eva Gutowski  
> Black-Joey Graceffa  
> Orange-Andrea Brooks  
> Yellow-Justine Ezarik  
> Green-Matt Haag  
> Blue-Shane Dawson  
> Purple-Lele Pons  
> Brown-Oli White  
> White-Sierra Furtado  
> Last Crayon-Timothy DeLaGhetto
> 
> (CW: Mentions of throwing up, tasing.)

** The Crayon Song Gets Ruined By Joey **

Random Disembodied Voice: HEY KIDS!  
WELCOME BACK TO THE WONDERFUL SHOW'S IMAGINARY FUN  
LEARNING EMPORIUM-PALOOZA EXTRAVAGANZA HOUR  
FOR KIDS!  
  
Eva: HELLO KIDS. I'M THE COLOR RED AND I  
BROUGHT MY FRIENDS TO TEACH YOU ABOUT THEM  
THEY'RE THE COLORS OF ALL THE THINGS  
YOU SEE AND RED IS ME, THE COLOR OF  
AWESOME THINGS LIKE: HEARTS, AND ROSES  
AND MARS  
BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY LOVE  
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE  
  
Joey: (at the same time) BLOOD, BLOOD,BLOOD  
BLOOD, BLOOD  
  
Everyone: HOORAY!  
  
Andrea Brooks: HI. I'M ORANGE LIKE  
MAC AND CHEESE. LET'S NAME OTHER ORANGE  
THINGS NOW IF YOU PLEASE. YOU GOT  
PUMPKINS AND TIGERS, AND THE DESERT SAND  
  
Andrea Brooks: MONARCH BUTTERFLIES

Joey: (at the same time) PRESCRIPTION BOTTLES  
  
Andrea Brooks: ARE YOUR ORANGE FRIENDS  
LA LA LA LA LA LA, CHEESE!  
  
Joey: (at the same time) PILLS!

Everyone: Hooray!

Andrea Brooks: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Joey: WHAT I WAS BORN TO DO

Justine: AS YOU CAN PROBABLY GUESS  
YELLOW'S PRETTY FUN!

Joey: (at the same time) JAUNDICE!  
  
Justine: YOU CAN FIND IT ON A BUS  
OR THE RAYS FROM THE SUN!

Joey: (at the same time) JAUNDICE!  
  
Justine: IF YOU ASK ME  
YELLOW'S NUMBER ONE

Joey: (at the same time) LIVER FAILURE  
  
Justine: IF YOU LIKE YELLOW AND SOUR

Joey: (at the same time) JAUNDICE!

Justine: THEN TRY A LEMON  
  
Everyone: JAUNDICE!

Justine: DANG IT!  
  
Matt H: I ONCE ATE A BUG THAT WAS THE COLOR GREEN  
BUT THE ER SAID IT WAS A POISONOUS THING  
SO THAT EXPLAINS WHY I THREW UP GREEN AND  
INSIDE THAT GREEN THERE WERE CHUNKS OF GREEN  
I BET YOU WISH YOU HADN'T LISTENED TO GREEN  
  
Everyone: HOORAY!  
  
Shane: WHY DIDN'T YOU CHANGE THAT ONE?  
  
Joey: I LIKE THAT VERSE  
  
Shane: THE OCEAN IS A PLACE WHERE MANY CREATURES LIVE  
  
Joey: (at the same time) NIGHTMARES  
  
Shane: IT'S THE DEEP BLUE SEA  
AND IT'S MYSTERIOUS...  
  
Joey: (at the same time) AND IT'LL KILL YOU TO DEATH  
  
Joey: ESPECIALLY IF  
YOU ARE ON TITANIC. SO LET THAT  
SINK IN. PUN INTENDED  
  
Matt H: HOORAY!  
  
Lele: DON'T BLOW THIS FOR US MAN! COME ON!  
PURPLE IS THE COLOR OF MANY PRETTY  
THINGS FROM A LILAC-  
  
(Joey tases Lele)  
  
Everyone: *Screams*

Shane: DUDE!  
  
Matt H: HOORAY!  
  
Oli: I GUESS IT'S MY TURN  
THERE ARE BROWN THINGS LIKE DIRT  
I, UH... CAN'T REMEMBER THE WORDS  
PLEASE DON'T HURT... ME  
  
(Joey tases Oli)  
  
Everyone: *Screams*  
  
Matt H: HOORAY!  
  
Sierra: (trying to take the tazer) WHITE THINGS INCLUDE-  
  
Joey: ALL BROKEN BONES  
  
Sierra: AND DOVES AND PAPER AND-  
  
Joey: AND RABIES' FOAM

Sierra: THERE'S IVORY-  
  
Joey: WORTH A LOT OF MONEY IF YOU  
WANT TO BUY SOME THEN EMAIL  
ME  
  
Matt H: HOORAY! HOORAY!  
  
Joey: BLACK IS THE  
COLOR OF EMPTINESS. I FEEL IT IN MY  
SOUL CAUSE I'M AN EMOTIONAL MESS  
  
Lele: AHHH! AHH! *jumps on Joey*  
TAKE CARE OF THE BODY! SHOVE HIM UP A KID'S  
NOSE OR SOMETHING. 

Sierra: BACK TO NORMAL!  
  
Timothy: I'M THE LAST CRAYON  
IN THE BOX YOU SEE AND THE COLOR THAT THEY  
ASSIGNED TO ME **IS THIS!** *Crayon reads Wallet Gray.*  
JUST THINK ABOUT THAT  
FOR ONE MOMENT. *mic drop, Lele tries to console him* GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME  
  
[Outro]  
  
Matt H: HELLO KIDS, I'M THE COLOR GREEN  
JUST CLICK THE RED BUTTON TO SUBSCRIBE  
TO ME LIKE THE VIDEO AND COMMENT BELOW  
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR? DO YOUR INSIDES GLOW  
FROM RADIOACTIVE FOOD? I DRANK A GREEN VIAL.  
HOORAY!


	11. The Crayon Song Gets Ruined by Joey......Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Intro Dude-Some random voice from somewhere.  
> Red-Gabbie Hanna  
> Black-Joey Graceffa  
> Orange-Andrea Russett  
> Yellow-Lauren Riihimaki  
> Green-Tyler Oakley  
> Blue-Alex Wassabi  
> Purple-Destorm Power  
> Brown-Jesse Wellens  
> White-Liza Koshy  
> Last Crayon-Tana Mongeau
> 
> (CW: Mentions of throwing up, tasing.)

**The Crayon Song Gets Ruined by Joey......Again**

Random Disembodied Voice: HEY KIDS!  
WELCOME BACK TO THE WONDERFUL SHOW'S IMAGINARY FUN  
LEARNING EMPORIUM-PALOOZA EXTRAVAGANZA HOUR  
FOR KIDS!  
  
Gabbie: HELLO KIDS. I'M THE COLOR RED AND I  
BROUGHT MY FRIENDS TO TEACH YOU ABOUT THEM  
THEY'RE THE COLORS OF ALL THE THINGS  
YOU SEE AND RED IS ME, THE COLOR OF  
AWESOME THINGS LIKE: HEARTS, AND ROSES  
AND MARS  
BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY LOVE  
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE  
  
Joey: (at the same time) BLOOD, BLOOD,BLOOD  
BLOOD, BLOOD  
  
Everyone: HOORAY!  
  
Andrea Russett: HI. I'M ORANGE LIKE  
MAC AND CHEESE. LET'S NAME OTHER ORANGE  
THINGS NOW IF YOU PLEASE. YOU GOT  
PUMPKINS AND TIGERS, AND THE DESERT SAND  
  
Andrea Russett: MONARCH BUTTERFLIES

Joey: (at the same time) PRESCRIPTION BOTTLES  
  
Andrea Russett: ARE YOUR ORANGE FRIENDS  
LA LA LA LA LA LA, CHEESE!  
  
Joey: (at the same time) PILLS!

Everyone: Hooray!

Andrea Russett: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Joey: WHAT I WAS BORN TO DO

Lauren: AS YOU CAN PROBABLY GUESS  
YELLOW'S PRETTY FUN!

Joey: (at the same time) JAUNDICE!  
  
Lauren: YOU CAN FIND IT ON A BUS  
OR THE RAYS FROM THE SUN!

Joey: (at the same time) JAUNDICE!  
  
Lauren: IF YOU ASK ME  
YELLOW'S NUMBER ONE

Joey: (at the same time) LIVER FAILURE  
  
Lauren: IF YOU LIKE YELLOW AND SOUR

Joey: (at the same time) JAUNDICE!

Lauren: THEN TRY A LEMON  
  
Everyone: JAUNDICE!

Lauren: DANG IT!  
  
Tyler: I ONCE ATE A BUG THAT WAS THE COLOR GREEN  
BUT THE ER SAID IT WAS A POISONOUS THING  
SO THAT EXPLAINS WHY I THREW UP GREEN AND  
INSIDE THAT GREEN THERE WERE CHUNKS OF GREEN  
I BET YOU WISH YOU HADN'T LISTENED TO GREEN  
  
Everyone: HOORAY!  
  
Alex: WHY DIDN'T YOU CHANGE THAT ONE?  
  
Joey: I LIKE THAT VERSE  
  
Alex: THE OCEAN IS A PLACE WHERE MANY CREATURES LIVE  
  
Joey: (at the same time) NIGHTMARES  
  
Alex: IT'S THE DEEP BLUE SEA  
AND IT'S MYSTERIOUS...  
  
Joey: (at the same time) AND IT'LL KILL YOU TO DEATH  
  
Joey: ESPECIALLY IF  
YOU ARE ON TITANIC. SO LET THAT  
SINK IN. PUN INTENDED  
  
Tyler: HOORAY!  
  
Destorm: DON'T BLOW THIS FOR US MAN! COME ON!  
PURPLE IS THE COLOR OF MANY PRETTY  
THINGS FROM A LILAC-  
  
(Joey shoots Destorm with a glowing green arrow into a pool)  
  
Everyone: *Screams*

Alex: DUDE!  
  
Tyler: HOORAY!  
  
Jesse: I GUESS IT'S MY TURN  
THERE ARE BROWN THINGS LIKE DIRT  
I, UH... CAN'T REMEMBER THE WORDS  
PLEASE DON'T HURT... ME  
  
(Joey sics Jorogumo on Jesse)  
  
Everyone: *Screams*  
  
Tyler: HOORAY!  
  
Liza: (trying to take the stuff) WHITE THINGS INCLUDE-  
  
Joey: ALL BROKEN BONES  
  
Liza: AND DOVES AND PAPER AND-  
  
Joey: AND RABIES' FOAM (sends harpies after Liza)

Liza: (running from said harpies) THERE'S IVORY-  
  
Joey: WORTH A LOT OF MONEY IF YOU  
WANT TO BUY SOME THEN EMAIL  
ME  
  
Tyler: HOORAY! HOORAY!  
  
Joey: BLACK IS THE  
COLOR OF EMPTINESS. I FEEL IT IN MY  
SOUL CAUSE I'M AN EMOTIONAL MESS  
  
Destorm: AHHH! AHH! *jumps on Joey*  
TAKE CARE OF THE BODY! SHOVE HIM UP A KID'S  
NOSE OR SOMETHING. 

Liza: BACK TO NORMAL!  
  
Tana: I'M THE LAST CRAYON  
IN THE BOX YOU SEE AND THE COLOR THAT THEY  
ASSIGNED TO ME  **IS THIS!** *Crayon reads Lollipop-Pink.*  
JUST THINK ABOUT THAT  
FOR ONE MOMENT. *mic drop, Destorm tries to console her* GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME  
  
[Outro]  
  
Tyler: HELLO KIDS, I'M THE COLOR GREEN  
JUST CLICK THE RED BUTTON TO SUBSCRIBE  
TO ME LIKE THE VIDEO AND COMMENT BELOW  
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR? DO YOUR INSIDES GLOW  
FROM RADIOACTIVE FOOD? I ATE A PIE WITH KIDS IN IT.  
HOORAY!


	12. The Crayon Song Gets Ruined By Joey........Yet Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one's based on a YouTube parody of this song and a comment on said video.  
> Intro Dude-Some random voice from somewhere.  
> Red-Safiya Nygaard  
> Black-Joey Graceffa  
> Orange-JC Caylen  
> Yellow-Rosanna Pansino  
> Green-Manny MUA  
> Blue-Roi Fabito  
> Purple-Teala Dunn  
> Brown-Colleen Ballinger  
> White-Nikita Dragun  
> Last Crayon-Matthew Patrick
> 
> (CW: Mentions of throwing up, tasing.)

**The Crayon Song Gets Ruined by Joey......Yet Again**

Random Disembodied Voice: HEY KIDS!  
WELCOME BACK TO THE WONDERFUL SHOW'S IMAGINARY FUN  
LEARNING EMPORIUM-PALOOZA EXTRAVAGANZA HOUR  
FOR KIDS!  
  
Safiya: HELLO KIDS. I'M THE COLOR RED AND I  
BROUGHT MY FRIENDS TO TEACH YOU ABOUT THEM  
THEY'RE THE COLORS OF ALL THE THINGS  
YOU SEE AND RED IS ME, THE COLOR OF  
AWESOME THINGS LIKE: HEARTS, AND ROSES  
AND MARS  
BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY LOVE  
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE  
  
Joey: (at the same time) BLOOD, BLOOD,BLOOD  
BLOOD, BLOOD  
  
Everyone: HOORAY!  
  
JC: HI. I'M ORANGE LIKE  
MAC AND CHEESE. LET'S NAME OTHER ORANGE  
THINGS NOW IF YOU PLEASE. YOU GOT  
PUMPKINS AND TIGERS, AND THE DESERT SAND  
  
JC: MONARCH BUTTERFLIES

Joey: (at the same time) PRESCRIPTION BOTTLES  
  
JC: ARE YOUR ORANGE FRIENDS  
LA LA LA LA LA LA, CHEESE!  
  
Joey: (at the same time) PILLS!

Everyone: Hooray!

JC: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Joey: WHAT I WAS BORN TO DO

Ro: AS YOU CAN PROBABLY GUESS  
YELLOW'S PRETTY FUN!

Joey: (at the same time) JAUNDICE!  
  
Ro: YOU CAN FIND IT ON A BUS  
OR THE RAYS FROM THE SUN!

Joey: (at the same time) JAUNDICE!  
  
Ro: IF YOU ASK ME  
YELLOW'S NUMBER ONE

Joey: (at the same time) LIVER FAILURE  
  
Ro: IF YOU LIKE YELLOW AND SOUR

Joey: (at the same time) JAUNDICE!

Ro: THEN TRY A LEMON  
  
Everyone: JAUNDICE!

Ro: DANG IT!  
  
Manny: I ONCE ATE A BUG THAT WAS THE COLOR GREEN  
BUT THE ER SAID IT WAS A POISONOUS THING  
SO THAT EXPLAINS WHY I THREW UP GREEN AND  
INSIDE THAT GREEN THERE WERE CHUNKS OF GREEN  
I BET YOU WISH YOU HADN'T LISTENED TO GREEN  
  
Everyone: HOORAY!  
  
Roi: WHY DIDN'T YOU CHANGE THAT ONE?  
  
Joey: I LIKE THAT VERSE  
  
Roi: THE OCEAN IS A PLACE WHERE MANY CREATURES LIVE  
  
Joey: (at the same time) NIGHTMARES  
  
Roi: IT'S THE DEEP BLUE SEA  
AND IT'S MYSTERIOUS...  
  
Joey: (at the same time) AND IT'LL KILL YOU TO DEATH  
  
Joey: ESPECIALLY IF  
YOU ARE ON TITANIC. SO LET THAT  
SINK IN. PUN INTENDED  
  
Manny: HOORAY!  
  
Teala: DON'T BLOW THIS FOR US MAN! COME ON!  
PURPLE IS THE COLOR OF MANY PRETTY  
THINGS FROM A LILAC-  
  
(Joey sends Benjamin to strangle her)  
  
Everyone: *Screams*

Roi: DUDE!  
  
Manny: HOORAY!  
  
Colleen: I GUESS IT'S MY TURN  
THERE ARE BROWN THINGS LIKE DIRT  
I, UH... CAN'T REMEMBER THE WORDS  
PLEASE DON'T HURT... ME  
  
(Joey pushes her into the Maiden of Madness and shuts the door on her)  
  
Everyone: *Screams*  
  
Manny: HOORAY!  
  
Nikita: (trying to take the stuff) WHITE THINGS INCLUDE-  
  
Joey: ALL BROKEN BONES  
  
Nikita: AND DOVES AND PAPER AND-  
  
Joey: AND RABIES' FOAM (sends Lucy after Nikita)

Nikita: (running from Lucy) THERE'S IVORY-  
  
Joey: WORTH A LOT OF MONEY IF YOU  
WANT TO BUY SOME THEN EMAIL  
ME  
  
Manny: HOORAY! HOORAY!  
  
Joey: BLACK IS THE  
COLOR OF EMPTINESS. I FEEL IT IN MY  
SOUL CAUSE I'M AN EMOTIONAL MESS  
  
Teala: AHHH! AHH! *jumps on Joey*  
TAKE CARE OF THE BODY! SHOVE HIM UP A KID'S  
NOSE OR SOMETHING. 

Nikita: BACK TO NORMAL!  
  
Matpat: I'M THE LAST CRAYON  
IN THE BOX YOU SEE AND THE COLOR THAT THEY  
ASSIGNED TO ME  **IS THIS!** *Crayon reads Blanche-Pink.*  
JUST THINK ABOUT THAT  
FOR ONE MOMENT. *mic drop, Teala tries to console him* GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME  
  
[Outro]  
  
Manny: HELLO KIDS, I'M THE COLOR GREEN  
JUST CLICK THE RED BUTTON TO SUBSCRIBE  
TO ME LIKE THE VIDEO AND COMMENT BELOW  
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR? DO YOUR INSIDES GLOW  
FROM RADIOACTIVE FOOD? I ATE A CLOWN'S ASS.  
HOORAY!


	13. The Crayon Song Gets Ruined By----DAMMIT JOEY! HOW MANY MORE TIMES IS THIS GONNA KEEP HAPPENING????

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one's based on a YouTube parody of this song and a comment on said video.  
> Intro Dude-Some random voice from somewhere.  
> Red-Gabbie Hanna  
> Black-Joey Graceffa  
> Orange-Tana Mongeau  
> Yellow-Justine Ezarik  
> Green-Bretman Rock  
> Blue-Alex Wassabi  
> Purple-Colleen Ballinger  
> Brown-Destorm Power  
> White-Rosanna Pansino  
> Last Crayon-Timothy DeLaGhetto
> 
> (CW: Mentions of throwing up, tasing.)

**The Crayon Song Gets Ruined By----DAMMIT JOEY! HOW MANY MORE TIMES IS THIS GONNA KEEP HAPPENING????**

Random Disembodied Voice: HEY KIDS!  
WELCOME BACK TO THE WONDERFUL SHOW'S IMAGINARY FUN  
LEARNING EMPORIUM-PALOOZA EXTRAVAGANZA HOUR  
FOR KIDS!  
  
Gabbie: HELLO KIDS. I'M THE COLOR RED AND I  
BROUGHT MY FRIENDS TO TEACH YOU ABOUT THEM  
THEY'RE THE COLORS OF ALL THE THINGS  
YOU SEE AND RED IS ME, THE COLOR OF  
AWESOME THINGS LIKE: HEARTS, AND ROSES  
AND MARS  
BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY LOVE  
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE  
  
Joey: (at the same time) BLOOD, BLOOD,BLOOD  
BLOOD, BLOOD  
  
Everyone: HOORAY!  
  
Tana: HI. I'M ORANGE LIKE  
MAC AND CHEESE. LET'S NAME OTHER ORANGE  
THINGS NOW IF YOU PLEASE. YOU GOT  
PUMPKINS AND TIGERS, AND THE DESERT SAND  
  
Tana: MONARCH BUTTERFLIES

Joey: (at the same time) PRESCRIPTION BOTTLES  
  
Tana: ARE YOUR ORANGE FRIENDS  
LA LA LA LA LA LA, CHEESE!  
  
Joey: (at the same time) PILLS!

Everyone: Hooray!

Tana: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Joey: WHAT I WAS BORN TO DO

Justine: AS YOU CAN PROBABLY GUESS  
YELLOW'S PRETTY FUN!

Joey: (at the same time) JAUNDICE!  
  
Justine: YOU CAN FIND IT ON A BUS  
OR THE RAYS FROM THE SUN!

Joey: (at the same time) JAUNDICE!  
  
Justine: IF YOU ASK ME  
YELLOW'S NUMBER ONE

Joey: (at the same time) LIVER FAILURE  
  
Justine: IF YOU LIKE YELLOW AND SOUR

Joey: (at the same time) JAUNDICE!

Justine: THEN TRY A LEMON  
  
Everyone: JAUNDICE!

Justine: DANG IT!  
  
Bretman: I ONCE ATE A BUG THAT WAS THE COLOR GREEN  
BUT THE ER SAID IT WAS A POISONOUS THING  
SO THAT EXPLAINS WHY I THREW UP GREEN AND  
INSIDE THAT GREEN THERE WERE CHUNKS OF GREEN  
I BET YOU WISH YOU HADN'T LISTENED TO GREEN  
  
Everyone: HOORAY!  
  
Alex: WHY DIDN'T YOU CHANGE THAT ONE?  
  
Joey: I LIKE THAT VERSE  
  
Alex: THE OCEAN IS A PLACE WHERE MANY CREATURES LIVE  
  
Joey: (at the same time) NIGHTMARES  
  
Alex: IT'S THE DEEP BLUE SEA  
AND IT'S MYSTERIOUS...  
  
Joey: (at the same time) AND IT'LL KILL YOU TO DEATH  
  
Joey: ESPECIALLY IF  
YOU ARE ON TITANIC. SO LET THAT  
SINK IN. PUN INTENDED  
  
Bretman: HOORAY!  
  
Colleen: DON'T BLOW THIS FOR US MAN! COME ON!  
PURPLE IS THE COLOR OF MANY PRETTY  
THINGS FROM A LILAC-  
  
(Joey sends the Minotaur to bash her head in)  
  
Everyone: *Screams*

Alex: DUDE!  
  
Bretman: HOORAY!  
  
Destorm: I GUESS IT'S MY TURN  
THERE ARE BROWN THINGS LIKE DIRT  
SHIT I CAN'T REMEMBER THE WORDS  
YOU CAN'T HURT... ME  
  
(Joey impales him with a spear)  
  
Everyone: *Screams*  
  
Bretman: HOORAY!  
  
Ro: (trying to take the stuff) WHITE THINGS INCLUDE-  
  
Joey: ALL BROKEN BONES  
  
Ro: AND DOVES AND PAPER AND-  
  
Joey: AND RABIES' FOAM (sends raptors after Ro)

Ro: (running from the raptors) THERE'S IVORY-  
  
Joey: WORTH A LOT OF MONEY IF YOU  
WANT TO BUY SOME THEN EMAIL  
ME  
  
Bretman: HOORAY! HOORAY!  
  
Joey: BLACK IS THE  
COLOR OF EMPTINESS. I FEEL IT IN MY  
SOUL CAUSE I'M AN EMOTIONAL MESS  
  
Colleen: AHHH! AHH! *comes back to life and jumps on Joey*

Bretman: COLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!

Colleen: TAKE CARE OF THE BODY! SHOVE HIM UP A KID'S  
NOSE OR SOMETHING. 

Ro: BACK TO NORMAL!  
  
Timothy: I'M THE LAST CRAYON  
IN THE BOX YOU SEE AND THE COLOR THAT THEY  
ASSIGNED TO ME  **IS THIS!** *Crayon reads TanasWallet.*  
JUST THINK ABOUT THAT  
FOR ONE MOMENT. *mic drop, Coleen tries to console him* GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME  
  
[Outro]  
  
Bretman: HELLO KIDS, I'M THE COLOR GREEN  
JUST CLICK THE RED BUTTON TO SUBSCRIBE  
TO ME LIKE THE VIDEO AND COMMENT BELOW  
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR? DO YOUR INSIDES GLOW  
FROM RADIOACTIVE FOOD? I ATE THIS BEEF-JERKY LOOKIN'-ASS BITCH.  
HOORAY!


	14. The Internet Is For Smut ("The Internet Is For Porn" from "Avenue Q.")

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From "Avenue Q." I couldn't not.
> 
> Cast:
> 
> Lilith Divola: Kate Monster  
> Killer Kerrie: Trekkie  
> Lascivious Luke: Brian  
> Willie: Gary  
> Wilmer: Princeton
> 
> And, making his big musical debut:
> 
> Kerrie's cousin Dirk as Rob!
> 
> Here's the original song if you wanna hear it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gj-JtFKUpBA

**The Internet Is For Smut**

**Lilith:** Finally, I get to sing  
A whole song all by myself  
And it shall be about something relevant  
Something modern - 'The Internet'  
  
 **Lilith:** The Internet is really really great  
 **Kerrie:** For smut!  
 **Lilith:** I've got a fast connection, so I don't have to wait.  
 **Kerrie:** For smut!  
 **Lilith:** Huh? There's always some new site  
 **Kerrie:** For smut!  
 **Lilith:** I browse all day and night  
 **Kerrie:** For smut!  
 **Lilith:** [through gritted teeth] It's like I'm surfing at the speed of light  
 **Kerrie:** For smut!  
  
 **Lilith:** Kerrie!  
  
 **Kerrie:** The Internet is for smut!  
 **Lilith:** Kerrie!  
 **Kerrie:** The Internet is for smut!  
 **Lilith:** What are you doing?  
 **Kerrie:** Why you think the net came up?  
Smut, smut, smut!  
  
 **Lilith:** Kerrie!

 **Kerrie:** Oh, hello Lilith Divola!

 **Lilith:** You are ruining my song.  
  
 **Kerrie:** Oh I'm sorry, I didn't mean to  
  
Lilith: Well if you would not mind please being quiet for a minute so I can finish?  
  
Kerrie: Okay, fam.

 **Lilith:** Brilliant!  
  
 **Lilith:** I'm glad we have this new technology  
 **Kerrie:** For smut, whoops!  
 **Lilith:** [sighs] which gives us untold opportunity  
 **Kerrie:** For smut! Oops, sorry!  
 **Lilith:** Right from your own desktop.  
 **Kerrie:** For---[cuts herself off]!  
 **Lilith:** You can research browse and shop  
 **Kerrie:** *whimpers.*  
 **Lilith:** Until you've had enough and you're ready to stop  
 **Kerrie:** For smut  
  
 **Lilith:** Kerrie!

 **Kerrie:** The Internet is for smut  
 **Lilith:** No  
 **Kerrie:** The Internet is for smut.  
 **Lilith:** Kerrie!  
 **Kerrie:** I'm up all night dicking my nut to  
smut, smut, smut  
  
 **Lilith:** That's repulsive! You're a pervert!  
  
 **Kerrie:** Ah, sticks and stones, Lilith Divola.  
  
 **Lilith:** No really, you are a pervert! Normal people don't sit at home and read and write smut on the Internet.  
  
 **Kerrie:** [smirking] Ohh?  
  
 **Lilith:** What?  
  
Kerrie: You have no idea  
Ready normal people?  
  
 **Dirk:** Ready!  
  
 **Luke:** Ready!  
  
 **Willie:** Ready!  
  
 **Kerrie:** Let me hear it!

 **All Five:** The Internet is for smut  
 **Wilmer:** Sorry but....  
 **All Five:** The Internet is for smut.  
 **Wilmer:** I write smut!  
 **Kerrie:** All these guys unzip their flies for  
 **All Five:** Smut, smut, smut  
 **Lilith:** The Internet is not for smut!  
 **All Five:** Smut, smut  
 **  
Lilith:** Hold on a second!

 **Kerrie:** Ugh!

 **Lilith:** Now I happen to know for a fact that you, Dirk, create videos and edit photos online.  
  
 **Dirk:** That's correct!  
  
 **Lilith:** And Luke, you buy new clown accessories on [Amazon.com](http://amazon.com/)  
  
 **Luke:** Sure!  
  
 **Lilith:** And Willie, you keep selling your late wife's possessions on E Bay  
  
 **Willie:** Yes I do!  
  
 **Lilith:** And Wilmer, you sent Veronica that lovely online birthday card.  
  
 **Wilmer:** True!  
  
 **Kerrie:** Oh, but Lilith, how do you think he got such a muscular right arm? Hmm?  
  
 **The Other 3:** *snicker.*  
  
 **Wilmer:** [a little shamefully] Yeah.  
  
 **Lilith:** How awful!  
  
 **All Five:** The Internet is for smut  
 **Lilith:** Repulsive!  
 **All Five:** The Internet is for smut  
 **Lilith:** I despise smut!  
 **Kerrie:** Grab your dick and double click for   
 **All Five:** smut, smut, smut  
  
 **Lilith:** I despise you all!  
 **All Five:** Smut, smut, smut  
 **Lilith:** I'm leaving!  
 **All Five:** Smut, smut, smut  
 **Lilith:** I despise the Internet! Hmph!  
 **All Five:** Smut, smut, smut  
 **Kerrie:** The Internet is for  
 **Dirk & Kerrie: **Internet is for  
 **All Five:** Internet is for smut!

 **Kerrie:** Yeah!


	15. The Pitiful Writers ("The Pitiful Children" from "Be More Chill.")

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This song's stuck in my head, and I'm realizing just how alike the Cursed God and the SQUIP are.
> 
> Unless said otherwise, all of my lines are spoken.

**The Pitiful Writers:**

_(room grows dark; CURSED GOD emerges from the shadows)_

**Cursed God:** (in the style of David Bowie in _Labyrinth)_ You always felt like a loser, dear Mystic  
Then I invaded  
Your writing upgraded  
Ba-da-ba-ba  
Whoa  
Dear Mystic, it's true that I found you  
But look around you  
Whoa

 **Cursed God:** Your fellow writers just so incomplete  
You can't see it, but they're all in pain  
Their writing's feeling just so obsolete  
So let's complete the chains  
And get inside those brains  
  
 **Cursed God:** Let's save the pitiful writers  
  
 **Writers:** Whoa  
  
 **Cursed God:** Let's save the pitiful writers  
  
 **Writers:** Whoa  
  
 **Cursed God:** Let's teach the pitiful writers, who just haven't a clue  
Just what to do  
Help them to help you

 _(Spotlight turns on LILITH)_  
  
 **Lilith:** Ah, yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah!  
  
 **Lilith:** Can you see the vision clearly, dear Mystic?  
Writers embracing, out they'll be spacing  
The fandom is peace  
Shiny, happy people singing sweetly

 **Mystic:** Um, are you sure about this?  
  
 **Lilith:** Gone is human error and fear

 **Mystic:** This sounds like a demonic possession  
  
 **Lilith:** Every issue tucked away so neatly  
If you feel a sob or tear  
They'll be right there to help you, dear.

 **Cursed God & Lilith: **Let's save the pitiful writers

 **Mystic:** But they're not pitiful.  
  
 **Cursed God & Lilith: **Let's save the pitiful writers  
  
 **Mystic:** And they don't need saving, except from you!  
  
 **Cursed God & Lilith: **Let's teach the pitiful writers  
Who just haven't a clue  
Just what to do  
Help them and soon their queen will be you!

_(strobe lights)_

**Mystic:** I....I don't want to. Let me go!

 _(MYSTIC tries running out, but the CURSED GOD and LILITH keep blocking her way._ _LILITH holds her against a wall and uses her pocket watch.)_

 **Mystic:**  Stop it, you bitch!

 _(Once MYSTIC falls into the trance, she drops to the floor, fighting LILITH's influence)_  
  
 **All but Mystic:** Let's save the pitiful writers  
  
 **Lilith:** _(spoken)_ You know you want this, Mystic.  
  
 **All but Mystic:** Let's save the pitiful writers  
  
 **Lilith:** _(spoken)_ You'll finally feel loved.  
  
 **All but Mystic:** Let's teach the pitiful writers, who haven't a clue  
  
 **Mystic:** (sung) What should I do?  
What can I do?  
Somebody--!

 **All but Mystic:** Everything about us is going to be wonderful  
  
 **Writers:** We love everything about this

 **All but Mystic:** Everything about us is going to be so alive  
  
 **Writers:** We could never live without this  
  
 **Cursed God & Lilith: **You won't feel unloved or unsure  
  
 **All but Mystic:** Not pitiful writers anymore  
'Cause  
Everything about us is going to be cool  
When... we... rule!


End file.
